Perhaps it's because I was recently accosted in my own neighborhood by someone with allegations so ridiculous they were actually humorous, or because I recently attended a suicide prevention workshop where we discussed risk factors for self-harm, but the topics of bullying, harassment, teasing, accosting, aggression and downright meanness have been on my mind. I've pondered how I have handled these situations in the past, how I handle them when they happen to me as an adult today, and how I hope to handle them in the future. In all of my musings, you, my sweet children have been on my mind.
Oh how I wish I could somehow shield you from the mean, heartless, broken people who will inevitably come into your lives to hurt you. How I wish all of the potential lessons to be had from these experiences could be taught to you in other (less painful) ways. Whether with intent or without it, these people will leave their mark. It's going to happen. I can't stop it. Your father can't stop it. There is no way anyone can stop all of the future missile blows that will come your way.
I can tell you though that these people and these experiences can either tear you down or build you up. And sometimes (hopefully not many times, my sweethearts) but sometimes, you may have to fall down, way down, before you can be built backup.
From the smallest prick a stranger may inflict to the giant blow someone close to you can deliver, my greatest advice to you in all of these experiences my darlings is to please refrain from responding in kind. Please do not let anger be what drives your decision making. Easier said than done. YES. I know.
The easy thing to do when someone attempts to engage you in road rage or when someone uses their influence and power to make you feel less than you are, or to make you feel intimidated, is to respond with hatred, with resentment, with anger, or spite. To respond with a carefully crafted ploy to make them feel the pain they made you feel. Perhaps you are even reading this now and thinking, "But mom you don't know how horrible they are! You don't understand that they deserve(d) it." I do understand, my love. I may not be living the exact situation, dealing with the exact unkind person you are currently struggling with, but I say I understand because in my life, I have not been immune to those emotions. I understand it hurts. It cuts deeply. And it down right sucks.
Instead of responding in kind, I implore you to consider two things. First, I want you consider that the unkind, "evil", bully of a person who is hurting you was once a scared little boy/girl that was hurt by those whom they trusted the most. In fact, your mom made a living (so to speak) from helping to heal those that were hurt, broken, and mean. And I am here to tell you they are really hurting, my loves. They may in fact be hurting a whole lot more than you are.
Don't misunderstand my message, however. I am not asking you to retreat, to cower, to surrender, to justify them and allow them to continue hurting you. NO. I am asking you to lead by example. I am asking you to hold your head up with dignity, courage and true grit, my babies. I am asking you to ignore what you can, and what you can't ignore, use it to drive you to become a better person. Learn a new skill, immerse yourself in productive activities, lead with kindness, contribute and serve where you can. Demonstrate your resolve, that you are stronger, better than whatever negativity aims to destroy you. And never forget that you have each other. Be there for each other. Be examples of courage and maturity for each other.
Second thing I ask you to consider before you respond to any attack is this: What part have you played in the bullying? This is a difficult and downright painful question to ask yourself when you are in the midst of so much pain (I know because I've struggled with asking myself this question too), but it is a necessary one. Let me explain why. I am NOT asking you to consider how you have contributed to the bullying because you deserve this mistreatment. NO. NO NO. No way. No how. I am asking because it is at the bottom of this trago amargo (bitter drink) as we say in Spanish, where true personal progress and growth lies. Self-reflection will serve you well my darlings. If you find yourself in a true bullying situation where the person who attacks you does so day after day, taking every opportunity to torment you, then consider what they continue to get from you that keeps them motivated. Something in the way you are responding is attractive. Consider your behavior and let's work on changing your responses to reflect the grit that lies within.
Lastly, please don't sit and ruminate on all of the things you could have said or should have said to the person who has hurt you. That only highlights all of the things we can no longer change. Instead invest all of that energy into making a positive contribution to your community or doing something constructive with your time.
Know that I love you and that I'll always be there for you either temporally or spiritually to help guide you through these difficult times. You may only be 4 and 1 year(s) old (and some of you may only be a future plan in our hearts) as I write this, but I am always thinking of you. I am always preparing (or bracing) myself for the next phase in your lives.
With love (and some apprehension),
Mami
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