Bullying and How to Handle It: A letter to my children

Perhaps it's because I was recently accosted in my own neighborhood by someone with allegations so ridiculous they were actually humorous, or because I recently attended a suicide prevention workshop where we discussed risk factors for self-harm, but the topics of bullying, harassment, teasing, accosting, aggression and downright meanness have been on my mind. I've pondered how I have handled these situations in the past, how I handle them when they happen to me as an adult today, and how I hope to handle them in the future. In all of my musings, you, my sweet children have been on my mind.

Oh how I wish I could somehow shield you from the mean, heartless, broken people who will inevitably come into your lives to hurt you. How I wish all of the potential lessons to be had from these experiences could be taught to you in other (less painful) ways. Whether with intent or without it, these people will leave their mark. It's going to happen. I can't stop it. Your father can't stop it. There is no way anyone can stop all of the future missile blows that will come your way.

I can tell you though that these people and these experiences can either tear you down or build you up. And sometimes (hopefully not many times, my sweethearts) but sometimes, you may have to fall down, way down, before you can be built backup.

From the smallest prick a stranger may inflict to the giant blow someone close to you can deliver, my greatest advice to you in all of these experiences my darlings is to please refrain from responding in kind. Please do not let anger be what drives your decision making. Easier said than done. YES. I know.

The easy thing to do when someone  attempts to engage you in road rage or when someone uses their influence and power to make you feel less than you are, or to make you feel intimidated, is to respond with hatred, with resentment, with anger, or spite. To respond with a carefully crafted ploy to make them feel the pain they made you feel. Perhaps you are even reading this now and thinking, "But mom you don't know how horrible they are! You don't understand that they deserve(d) it." I do understand, my love. I may not be living the exact situation, dealing with the exact unkind person you are currently struggling with, but I say I understand because in my life, I have not been immune to those emotions. I understand it hurts. It cuts deeply. And it down right sucks.

Instead of responding in kind, I implore you to consider two things. First, I want you consider that the unkind, "evil", bully of a person who is hurting you was once a scared little boy/girl that was hurt by those whom they trusted the most. In fact, your mom made a living (so to speak) from helping to heal those that were hurt, broken, and mean. And I am here to tell you they are really hurting, my loves. They may in fact be hurting a whole lot more than you are. 

Don't misunderstand my message, however. I am not asking you to retreat, to cower, to surrender, to justify them and allow them to continue hurting you. NO. I am asking you to lead by example. I am asking you to hold your head up with dignity, courage and true grit, my babies. I am asking you to ignore what you can, and what you can't ignore, use it to drive you to become a better person. Learn a new skill, immerse yourself in productive activities, lead with kindness, contribute and serve where you can. Demonstrate your resolve, that you are stronger, better than whatever negativity aims to destroy you. And never forget that you have each other. Be there for each other. Be examples of courage and maturity for each other. 

Second thing I ask you to consider before you respond to any attack is this: What part have you played in the bullying? This is a difficult and downright painful question to ask yourself when you are in the midst of so much pain (I know because I've struggled with asking myself this question too), but it is a necessary one. Let me explain why. I am NOT asking you to consider how you have contributed to the bullying because you deserve this mistreatment. NO. NO NO. No way. No how. I am asking because it is at the bottom of this trago amargo (bitter drink) as we say in Spanish, where true personal progress and growth lies. Self-reflection will serve you well my darlings. If you find yourself in a true bullying situation where the person who attacks you does so day after day, taking every opportunity to torment you, then consider what they continue to get from you that keeps them motivated. Something in the way you are responding is attractive. Consider your behavior and let's work on changing your responses to reflect the grit that lies within.

Lastly, please don't sit and ruminate on all of the things you could have said or should have said to the person who has hurt you. That only highlights all of the things we can no longer change. Instead invest all of that energy into making a positive contribution to your community or doing something constructive with your time.

Know that I love you and that I'll always be there for you either temporally or spiritually to help guide you through these difficult times. You may only be 4 and 1 year(s) old (and some of you may only be a future plan in our hearts) as I write this, but I am always thinking of you. I am always preparing (or bracing) myself for the next phase in your lives. 

With love (and some apprehension), 

Mami 

Motherhood : It's a Summer Affair

Summer. The time of year when my career choices allow me to stay home and be with my kids 24/7, to devote myself to  being a stay-at-home parent 100% of the time. It is also the time of year when life, inevitably, gives me a swift kick in the teeth and I re-learn just how hard being a stay-at-home parent really is.

Zac's reaction whenever I say, "Ay, Ay, Ay these kids of mine!!"

For the past 22 days my "shift" has started at 7:30 am (9am if my bosses let me sleep in) and has ended at 10:30 or 11pm after the dishes are done and laundry is folded (or after it is dumped into a neat pile to stand as a monument of my failures for another day...or another few days). In this time span, I manage nap schedules, tantrums (when the naps are mismanaged), dietary needs, entertainment needs, bodily fluid/waste removal needs, pain management needs, social development needs, academic development needs, environmental needs and emotional needs...to name a few.

During my shift, the physical demands of the job make it difficult for me to feel anything but exhausted -- All. The. Time. I'm right handed so my left arm is like three times the size of my right arm from holding a BIG baby boy who loves me so much he needs to hold me close at every minute of the day. My back aches and burns from being hunched over said baby who suddenly wants nothing to do with me the minute we are out in public because walking is cooler than being carried (so long as I stay close, and hold his hand for psychological, not necessarily physical balance). My legs ache, from ... gosh, I don't even know; I just wake up that way.

I plan meals -- and by "plan" I mean I stand in front of the fridge at meal time wondering what I can throw together before they start wiggling out of the chairs I've placed them in or before she starts complaining that she's not hungry anymore (only to be STARVING 10 minutes later). This gives me about a 5 minute window to find something allergen free and nutritious because, if it isn't, I'll pay for it later in other, more painful ways. The whole ordeal is so intense I bet the Food Network could make a hit show of it.

I live, and I mean I LIVE for nap time. The sacred couple of hours in the middle of my shift when I aspire to cram in a workout (because, in a cruel twist of fate, the running around and playing with the kids does NOTHING for my lingering post baby flab). It's the break in the day when I can aspire to fold the monumentally large laundry basket from last week, run the dishwasher so we have dishes for dinner time, clean up the blueberries that he pelted around the room because they looked too peculiar in their non-mushed up form to be food. The time of the day when I can be human again. When I can go to the bathroom in peace. Heck, some days, it's the time of day when I can finally get out of my pajamas!

Oh that beautiful nap time...that lovely benefit that makes the second leg of the day doable. Until...on some days, on some cruel, CRUEL days, the nap time doesn't come. Some days on these awful, kick- you-in-the-stomach days (coincidentally almost ALWAYS on days when we have somewhere fun or important to go to right after the nap), the nap doesn't come at the scheduled time, or at all, and I'm left with the following options:

1). Skip the nap. Have them crash upon arrival at the fun or important place. OR have them not crash but walk around like tiny little tantrum time bombs ready to explode at any moment and embarrass me at the fun or important place.

2). Force the nap. Bounce, rock, read stories, futility attempt to slow my heart rate because they can sense anxiety and stress and that makes them make the Sandman flee from my house.

3). Cancel the plans to the fun or important place.

Just a little tidbit sample of the exciting decisions you get to make in this fun stay-at-home parenting gig. It is HARD WORK!! I'm not out of my mind stressed with it, like I can be with my "9-5" when August rolls around and the school year starts up again. But it IS exhausting in new and challenging ways.

My deepest respect to my husband, and to all of my stay-at-home mommies out there. I bow down at your feet, because, clearly, I'm not worthy to do this gig full time the way you do. I admire the patience, the resolve, the flexibility that it all takes. No disrespect to all of my working mommies out there (your praise post is coming), because being a working mom is not easier by any means. But to all of the stay-at-home parents out there: Bravo. You are all amazing. How do you do it?! Because I'm running at full speed and I STILL can't catch up enough to get a good footing on it all. I congratulate you all for taking it on 365, all day every day.

Tonight, as my little demons.... {cough}...., I mean angels, sleep in their beds, I sit overwhelmed with gratitude for being in the trenches with you all. I may just be the temporary replacement for your fellow comrade (who incidentally is killing it with his crazy, out-of-this-world, 18 credit work load this summer -- he's my hero -- love you tons baby); and this full-time motherhood may only be a summer affair for me, but I am conscious of just how inexperienced I am, and of how brave YOU all are for devoting your lives to the cause. It's difficult and noble work. Bless you for doing it.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'd like to join you all in the ritualistic passing out in front of the TV evening. Goodnight.

Salve Day

Eczema. One simple little world that was insignificant for me until the summer of 2014. It was then that the word would change our lives forever. This entry is for you, my son. It's the story of our delicate and complicated dance with this awful condition.

Today is Salve Day. It comes around about once every six weeks or so and it is the day I feel like an apothecary making medicinal concoctions in my kitchen. It is the day I prepare Zac's treatments for the month. The road to finding what worked for his specific skin type and the severity of his eczema wasn't easy -- and I have a feeling we will continue adjusting the regimen for years to come. Pictured above are the combination of ointments, creams, oils and medicines that serve as part of our current line of defense against his flare ups.

When the flare ups first made their appearance, I didn't know what they were much less how to treat them. It took several failed attempts using baby lotions and different creams that only exacerbated the problem before we finally broke down and took Zac to see his Pediatrician. "Yep. Looks like eczema. Use hydrocortisone cream for a couple of days and it'll clear it right up." Great! An answer and a treatment option...or so we thought.

The first few days after that first visit were heavenly. His skin was soft, as a baby's skin should be. It was clear, no longer itchy and it looked as if nothing had ever afflicted it. Overjoyed, I discontinued the hydrocortisone and thought we were done worrying about this. And then, it happened. The flare ups reemerged. This time with a vengeance, as if to say, "I'll teach you to try and get rid of me. Here's a double dose of my wrath. Enjoy."

Frustrated, I turned to the hydrocortisone cream again but every time I used it I felt an uneasiness in my heart for not having a better option for my baby. The cream was a quick fix and I knew it wasn't going to last forever, nor was it healthy to use it forever. The uneasiness and mom guilt eventually won out and off I took to the internet to solicit help on Facebook, to research eczema on baby center, to read anything and everything I thought looked like a credible source to help me figure out what to do with my poor, miserably itchy baby.

Our failed attempts to help at home eventually led us to a Dermatologist.

"It's eczema alright. Here's a prescription for a $700 bottle of moisturizer (and a coupon to bring it down to $35), and a prescription for a stronger dose of hydrocortisone cream. It'll clear it right up and then you can use the moisturizer in between rounds of hydro." Great. Thanks...I think?

Fast forward to several months later, a few more visits to the dermatologist (including a pediatric dermatologist), prescriptions for oral steroids, scary strong hydrocortisone creams, hundreds of dollars wasted on trying every moisturizing cream under the sun that anyone would recommend to me and still NOTHING that was helping my baby stay clear for more than 1-1.5 days between treatments. This is just a sample of the creams we tried that did nothing to really help.

Frustrated again, I decided enough was enough. This time I was determined to educate myself on this evil thing called eczema and find a long term, healthy way to help my baby deal with this. The doctors weren't helping me other than to tell me there was no cure and that our only options were corticosteroids. Meanwhile Zac was in daily constant pain, not discomfort, actual pain. His sweet little body only knew relief when he was scratching, and the scratching only angered the skin, making the rashes spread with fury to various parts of his body.

I have to explain that the typical "eczema" the kind that appears on elbows or knees and manifests like small, itchy dry skin patches that can be treated with Aveeno Baby (or other similar creams), and Isaac's condition are two very different things. For him, this eczema isn't something that is transient or emerges with climate or environmental changes. It isn't an itch to simply scratch. His eczema is a daily struggle that cannot go untreated. There is no skipping his skin care regimen for the day or taking a day off from being vigilant. When he scratches it isn't a 2-3 second scratching of an itch that subsides quickly. If left unattended, he will scratch until his skin breaks and bleeds and even then he will keep going until the pain overpowers the itch. Dead skin and blood will crust around his fingernails but the itch will be so intense that he will continue to self-injure because it feels better than the itch. His condition requires that we keep his room humidified to a certain degree at night. It requires 24 hour, round-the-clock treatment to keep the skin moist to manage the itch. He can't get too hot because the rash spreads. He can't get too cold/dry because the itch intensifies. He can't wear polyester or other synthetic fabrics because they irritate his delicate skin. His finger nails and toe nails have to be cut and filed on a regular basis. He has to wear long sleeve shirts and long pants to keep him from scratching himself. If we slack off in any little way, his skin goes from healthy, to ravaged by itch and flare ups in a matter of hours and we have to spend days getting it back to the healthy way it was. This is the awful, evil, time consuming and life changing reality of his condition.

I often wish they had a different name for what he has to deal with because when I try to explain to people what he has, I frequently hear, "oh yeah, I get eczema sometimes too," or "oh yeah my child has eczema too." Um...I'm sure they do but I'm also pretty sure it's not it's the same thing that afflicts my baby on an hourly basis. Sweet people are only trying to help though and my heart thanks them for trying to sympathize with him, and with me. The reality, however, is that few people understand what it takes to care for him and his skin needs.

So, it was at this juncture that we said enough is enough and dug deep, this time determined to be as relentless with our research as Isaac was with his scratching. I used my access to the BYU medical research databases and immersed myself in literature about the skin, rashes, the digestive system and the connection to skin rashes, immunotherapy, and anything that had anything to do with eczema. Jonathan attended an immunotherapy treatment information seminar and I learned A LOT in those medical journals. We worked out a nightly schedule so that we could stay on top of his skin care needs at night. We bought him expensive bamboo clothing because it was moisture wicking, minimized the growth of bacteria and had mitten cuffs to keep him protected from himself at night. All of this to help him find some relief.

I then began looking into essential oils because using oils to replace oils in the skin to help it stay moist and healthy intrigued me, and made rational sense. One day, I shared Zac's journey with this condition in detail with a sweet student teacher/helper of mine after she asked about his condition during one of Isaac's daily visits to my office to nurse.

The next week this sweet, sweet student of mine was handing me the miracle salve. A blend of olive oil, coconut oil, beeswax and 4 doTERRA oils. This was the beginning of a significant change for you, Isaac my boy. I now address you because it is important that you pay close attention to this part of your story. We began using this salve 2-3 times a day, and after about 3 days of faithfully using it we started to see a significant improvement in the frequency and intensity of your flare ups!

Armed with some hope, relief and renewed strength, I continued my research into "gut health" and what I needed to do to heal you from the inside out.

I learned that what I ate mattered (because we were still nursing), and what you wore and how we cleaned what you wore mattered too (thanks to your Tia Liz for that great advice). I was convinced that we could boost your healing if we focused on what you ate and ruled out any food allergies you might have, so off we went to get a skin scratch test done. An option that was not without its skeptics.
 
"We don't typically do allergy tests on babies," spouted the annoyed nurse on the phone.

"But it IS possible?" I countered.

"Yes. Possible. But you will be wasting your time. It's a long test and not inexpensive to do. There's a lot he hasn't been exposed to yet because he isn't a year old yet."

"That's one of the reasons why I would like to have this information now. Cost doesn't concern me. Answers do. If the doctor will do it, I would like it done."

And that was the exchange that took place as I advocated for you, my baby boy. Simple. Straight forward. Not contentious, or at least I tried for it not to be. If you feel prompted to pursue something, pursue it baby. This was a BIG lesson I was about to re-learn.

The day of your skin scratch test I was hopeful that the doctor would give us some direction for helping you heal. After 4 hours and a checkerboard lab experiment drawn on your back, the verdict was in. You were allergic to cow's milk, egg whites, and (the real shocker) SEVERELY allergic to peanuts. When the doctor prefaced his peanut diagnosis with, "now I don't wish to alarm you." I knew it was about to get good -- like 'the story gets crazy from here' good, not 'I'm glad that happened' good.

Severely allergic to peanuts. Great. What does that mean? Well the doctor chose to explain that he typically prescribes EpiPens to patients with 7mm or higher allergy pin wheels because anaphylaxis is likely to occur. And your pinwheel had registered at 10mm. So what turned out to be a quest to treat your eczema, had actually turned into a potentially life saving experiment that we had just done for you.

I'll never forget the wave of gratitude that overcame me on the drive home that day. Following through with a prompting had quite potentially saved you (saved us) from an awful experience, and I could clearly and powerfully feel the Lord's hand in this journey. It was as if the veil thinned for a brief moment and I could see purpose and meaning in everything that led us here. I had spent months cursing this eczema and wishing I could take the burden of dealing with it from you, but that day I realized it had all been for your good. Afflictions are to appreciated for what they can teach us, how they can make us stronger. We won't always see the purpose and meaning behind the challenges we have to overcome, but we can have faith that their presence is necessary for our growth and personal progression in this life. I hope when you are old enough to read this you are able to find meaning in the journey as well.

After we began adjusting what we ate, (because I was in this with you) things started to REALLY take off. We started giving you baby probiotics, I began taking some too (thanks to the advice of a sweet ward member), and you and I faithfully stayed away from dairy, eggs and peanuts. Your dad, uncle Travis and grandpa laid their hands upon your head and gave you a powerful blessing which ultimately brought us to where we are today.

Today, if we faithfully follow your skin care and dietary needs and put our trust in the Lord on a daily basis, your skin is smooth and healthy. Redness and some irritation is unavoidable, but it is a far cry from where we were just a few months ago. The insatiable flareups remain at bay if we are diligent in our efforts. I make your salve in our kitchen and we apply it with ointments and creams at every diaper change to keep you itch-free. You continue to wake up at night, but we are down to only once a night (whoohoo!) for most nights. You are a happy, healthy, energetic little man and I am amazed by you on a daily basis. So onward and upward we go, my boy.

Until the next Salve Day...

And So It Begins...

Blogging. I have been intimated by it for years. How does it all work? Do I have enough to say to fill the pages of a blog? Am I really that interesting? Well, I can tell you that I am not that interesting, BUT my kids are, and my husband is, and I feel obligated to chronicle how cute and awesome they are! My decision to start a blog is not completely altruistic though. I'm finding myself sharing more and more of my children's little milestones and new experiences on social media these days with no real way of guaranteeing that all of those sweet moments will in fact be there someday in the distant future when I want to look back on them. I want a better way to save all of these memories for posterity. Babies don't keep, and mine are bent on rushing through their childhood as much as I want them to slow down. SO, there it is. The real reason for the blog. I suppose that is why most people blog as well.

This blog will be my own personal digital journal of sorts that I can print off every year and put next to our family photo yearbook for the kids to (hopefully) read someday. I don't know that anything I write will be very interesting to anyone other than myself and perhaps a handful of close friends and family, but everyone is welcome to follow regardless! I'm also happy to announce that coming in the Fall, I finally have the FANTASTIC option of taking my full time job with Nebo down to part time!! Woohoo! Working outside of the home for only 3 days a week and spending the rest of the time with my babies is a blessing we have been praying for for a very long time, and the day is finally here. I owe this wonderful option to my fantastic employment with Brigham Young University and the flexible work schedule they've offered me within the Counseling Psychology and Special Education Department. Between my two jobs the hours will stay the same but the way I get those hours in will be A LOT more flexible, allowing me to be more present in my children's lives. I hope this new schedule will alleviate some stress as well, and allow for time to do things like... well, blog! So here we go...